Author: wmrq456c2w

Church is hard. I stare too much at the statues. I do my best to listen but I can’t help watching people. I pray, God has a sense of humor. He has to have a sense of humor. Laughter is one quality that separates us from animals. Wouldn’t that be weird if your cat could laugh at you. Sometimes my dog smiles but I realize it’s a dog. The statues are so reverent, no smiles. I look up and pray to a giant statue of Jesus. A crucified Jesus. Today, I thought this seems odd. I closed my eyes today and prayed. That felt better in my heart. Would I know Jesus if he smiled? Would he laugh? Would I know? I hate the statues.

My dad loved this movie. I remember him playing the album on a stereo console record player. It would sound all through our home every Easter in my …

Jesus Christ Superstar…heaven on my mind.

Everyday, I say the Hail Mary prayer several times throughout the day. I struggle with the full rosary. Sometimes I put on YouTube videos of the …

If everyone prayed the rosary everyday, it would be atomic against evil

My dad loved this movie. I remember him playing the album on a stereo console record player. It would sound all through our home every Easter in my early childhood. One of my favorite songs was Heaven on their Minds…sung from Judas’s point of view. Now fifty years later, I get it so much now. The story of Jesus never changed but yet in one musical with a hippy bus orchestra, the story is still simple and unchanged. We are all Judas in some way, we judge, we assume righteousness, we assume we know better than the Son of Man. In one moment Judas realize he was part of God’s plan all along. It’s hard to remember that God is all knowing. Between the judgements, opinions filled in our daily social media, work spaces, and news. I’m reminded that it is all smoke and mirrors in God’s ultimate plan and that through confession I clean my heart of Satan’s social distortion and confusion.

Sometimes life throws a wrench in the prayer machine. I chose not to go last Sunday because I didn’t feel well, I was tired, and just wasn’t motivated to attend confession and mass. Physically I felt horrible, mentally I felt depressed. As the week went by, feelings of anger, resentment, jealousy crept in my day to day life. Anything and everything felt off. Is this how Satan works to cause confusion and distortion in our lives? The news cycles were filled with more animosity and anxiety. Children being murdered by their unstable parents or left to rot in neglected homes. My heart was sad and confused by all the news reports. It was harder today to go confession and mass. Why would God allow such suffering, where are the guardian angels? Where is Jesus? I sat in line awaiting to say my confession , I attended mass, received Holy Communion, I felt better. One missed day and Satan capitalizes on the opportunity. I’m reminded how weak we are in the shadows of depression and illness. I have to commit to a daily practice in prayer…reflect on Jesus’ suffering for our sins. “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

My grandmother was a small woman with a strong belief in the rosary. When my uncle died, she was heartbroken. He was her first born and she was engulfed in grief. Everywhere she went, she had a rosary near by. She would often pray while waiting for the laundry to finish. I often would yell downstairs and ask “where are you” and I would hear “I’m praying the rosary, almost done, will be up in a few,” and I would say “ok.” Not even a second thought, it was part of her daily routine and it rubbed off on me and to this day, I have a rosary in my car, in my room, and in my coat pocket. As an older woman, I am more understanding on what she was doing, she was praying for my deceased uncle, her fear – that he needed help out of purgatory. Purgatory is something I struggle to not be afraid of but I know there is grace when you exercise your soul through prayer. I pray now for everyone in my family, even through my turmoil in particular relationships, I pray to let go of anger, and when I feel that I am an impasse, I know I have to go to confession. Every time I practice through prayer and confession, the weight in my heart lightens. I believe there is something so special about praying the rosary and going to confession. It really works.

Everyday, I say the Hail Mary prayer several times throughout the day. I struggle with the full rosary. Sometimes I put on YouTube videos of the rosary while I clean. It’s a distraction but sometimes it’s meditative. In times like these in which our children are being destroyed by Satan’s playbook of confusion and distortion, I wonder how powerful it would be if everyone prayed the rosary. In spiritual warfare it’s the most powerful tool against evil. Teach your children to pray the rosary. The monsters are real.

Sunday. I awoke and knew I had to go, I wanted to go, and needed to go. Showered, dressed, and I told my husband I am leaving to confession. In normal fashion he said, “no worries and have fun.” I walked in and I noticed more people, pre game confessions. It’s funny how we prioritize the Super Bowl and church. I sat in my normal chair outside the door, and peaked in the window, looked up, light is red, ok someone is in there…what am I doing here, again…oh yes, I said some horrible things out of anger. How words weigh your heart down, thoughts cloud your judgement. My turn, I see shoes peaking out from the divider, and I humbly approach and begin with the sign of the cross. Honor your father and mother, I get it but when you try to teach them how to use a cellphone…the words that came out of my mouth were horrible. I reflect how my words were so bad. I carry a lot of their guilt, they were not the greatest parents, selfish, and I seemed to carry their anger. How is that possible? Having parents from this particular generation is rough…especially now that they are elderly. It’s a hard headspace to be in. I wish I knew more about Jesus and his human relationship with his father, mother, grandparents. The arguments, the objections- his teenage years…I’m trying to be Christ like, I think I am going back to landlines.

Saturdays are hard to wake up to in a motivating way. The one day I can actually process the week in review. Today’s news is depressing, children are being killed by their parents, by their addictions, and by their societal pressures. Satan is real and very real in these days causing hate, anger, and confusion. Satan hated what God made. You hate what you can’t have. God love mankind. So much, God sent his only son in his image to die for us because of our sins. What a special gift to have – all working parts of the human body. I can move, I can see, I can hear, I can think. But somewhere Satan whispers, “you are not good enough, change and you will be better” whereas God whispers “you are loved no matter what. I’ve been with you and remember you were already forgiven, lift your worries about the world, find your center, and ignore the chaos that surrounds you.” I think in this moment “Here I am Lord” and I receive a response in my heart “Come follow me.” I need to respect what God gave me and take care of me. I think I will take a walk, exercise my heart in away, both in the Holy Spirit and physical world. Confusion is everywhere and it’s time to trust the Lord while I do the basics to prime what I have – mind, body, and soul. Clear my mind from the confusion, exercise my physical being, and examine my soul through confession. This will be my greatest challenge – to love my self as God made me.

Today I woke up, wondering what the definition of forgiveness is or the act of forgiving. One of the definitions listed describe the word forgive as an act to let go of the anger against someone. This struck me in a thoughtful way about God, forgiving us by sending his son to die on the cross. To be honest I’ve never thought about this during my journey of confession. God was so angry with the world that in order to let go of his anger he sent his son to die on the cross for our sins. I hear in my heart, the words “you have already been forgiven” and I wonder how is that so but now I understand that through Jesus and the love of God, we were born into sin and we were already forgiven. I really don’t know how else to describe this epiphany but for me it’s the first time I recognize the relation between forgiveness and confession just as God did. I need to let go of my anger and examine my consciousness and forgive those who trespass me, my heart feels lighter today, and I pray that I get more understanding through this journey of confession.

Second Sunday and it was time to wake my soul and exercise. At first I thought about skipping but I thought I read somewhere not to skip leg day…well in my case, examination of my conscience day. It’s getting easier and to be honest my heart was not so heavy since my last confession. As I commit to each practice of soul examination on Sundays, I have come to realize that I listen more in church following the exercise. I still struggle with mind roaming but I noticed I’m listening more to the gospel. As I listened today, I still stared at the statues and prayed no one was set on fire as everyone held candles for this Sunday’s mass. I didn’t want a candle but one church leader would not let me choose and ensured it was in my hand and lit. I stared at the flame and realized I have a stronger yearning to understand the gospel than I had before when I was just content with mass attendance. Something is changing, is it possible that I have lost an ounce of fatty guilt, pride, and shame in my soul? I have spent a lot of money on counseling and oddly I got more relief from these past confessions than I have ever had with a counselor and the irony is it was free. I could have saved a lot of money and I didn’t need to join a gym-who knew?