In the beginning….

In the beginning, God made light, right? Nope, apparently that was third item after a quick google check. You would think that eight years of Catholic education would have served me better; however, it is very apparent, I have lost many fundamentals of the Catholic teaching. I find humor in everything – I find humor in the day-to-day grind. I find humor at the grocery store and I also find humor during mass, is that wrong? I have a vivid imagination, and I can’t help know that God made me this way and it may not be the best representation of a good Catholic but here I am. My New Year’s resolution was to trust God. I realized I had to start with confession. I thought to myself that I will go every week to try to help my soul rebuild and renew in the light of the Lord. I have tried to make it my daily habit to reflect on the teachings of Christ, the teachings of the gospel and practice my faith daily. I have been away from the church off and on over the years. In my heart and mind I feel young, but as I sit here and reflect, I realize that I am just an older woman who wonders in church. My main problem – I am a people watcher, and can not help watch all the people in the church during an hour long mass. I also have CADD (Church Attention Deficit Disorder). I sit and stare at all the statues, at all the candles, and pray for the alter kids not to set their hair on fire while lighting the candles. I wonder why everybody is there and ask God to forgive me for being so nosey. Sixty minutes is a long time. I reflect and I talk to God during mass (in my mind), then there’s a cough and a baby crying, I get distracted. I look at the priest signaling the altar boy to stand on the other side of him and then I realize we are all imperfect humans living in this world of light made by God. Before I know it, mass is over and I forgot what was even said. I need to do better.
How do I start my journey back to God? My husband is a very good Catholic. He goes to confession and he tells me the ins and outs of the order of things, he simplifies the gospels and the teachings of Jesus to help me understand the lesson. I find it fascinating that people can take a parable and get so many lessons out of it. One thing he told me was that confession should be an ongoing practice and that it should be done before mass. I thought to myself that seems like an easy thing to do in order to get back in the habit of going to church -so that’s what I did. I started to go to confession before mass. I had a goal. Sunday quickly approached. On my way to church, I began to cry, I felt like there were so many things I want to say, but I only had a couple of minutes to say them. As I began to reflect on over fifty years of my life I realized -WOW-I have a lot to say …I have a lot of laundry in my soul that needs to be cleaned …I wiped my eyes as I walked in and sat down and waited as I read the confession procedures pamphlet that was conveniently next to me. I believe God knew I needed an assist. I sat there waiting for the confession light to signal for the next confessor. The man next to me was in full reverence; meanwhile, per usual I stared and I looked around. I looked at the statues. I looked at the candles. I looked at the choir practicing songs before the actual mass. The man next to me was still in a very deep reverence. Ten minutes went by, and I thought WOW that person had a lot to say …been in there for a very, very long time. The door is shut and the light stays on. I am getting nervous. What am I going to say. Why am I here. I am forgetting my sins, my script, my list of life bloopers that I have to tell God! The man next to me, sits completely still. I’m thinking, he was an alter boy and knows his Catholic rules. He is so calm. Out of nowhere, a flash of white wisps by. It’s the priest walking by with a cup of coffee and goes right into the very door that had been shut with the light on. The reverent man and I both realized nobody was in there the whole entire time. Hard to believe that my life’s confessions were at the mercy of a closed door and a light switch. The man and I laughed and he went in and I counted the seconds, the minutes and he was out – my turn – I go in….